I decided to write this letter because I’m finally ready to tell you how I feel. Now that I’m married and I have a family of my own, I’m able to verbalize everything that troubled me about the relationship you and I had while I was growing up. I always wanted a close relationship with you like the one Cliff Huxtable had with his children on the Cosby Show. I used to pretend that you were him and imagined what it would feel like to have a father who lived with me. I often felt as though you failed me as a parent. I was the child that was “taken care” of by the system. As long as the check was in the mail, nothing else mattered.
When we did spend time together, you were too busy telling me how much my mother was jealous of me to address my real needs and concerns. I found my solace in the arms of boys hoping and desperately wanting the companionship that I should have been getting from you. I never knew how a man was supposed to treat a woman because you never took the time out to tell or show me. I grew tired of constantly reaching out to you in hopes of developing a father- daughter relationship. I just couldn’t understand why I, as the child, had to call you all the time. I remember calling you on my birthday and you didn’t even remember it was my special day. I cried that day and my mother was the only one there to pick up the pieces. There were so many instances where I felt unloved that I just stop telling you what was going on in my life.
I strived to be the best I could and always sought for your approval. When I graduated from high school and didn’t see your face in the crowd, I was crushed. By the time I graduated from college, I just opted not to invite you; I figured you wouldn’t show anyway.
When you passed away, I was both angry and relieved. Angry because I would never have the relationship I always wanted with you; yet, relieved that this chapter in my life had finally come to a close. I do regret not attending your funeral, but at that time-I wasn’t able to forgive you. After much thought, I now realize that as you were “raising” your children, you were also learning how to be a father. And although you were not perfect you were the best father you knew how to be under the circumstances.
I am proud to share with you that I have a daughter-and she has a father that loves her very much. I can’t describe the feelings I get when I see how they interact with each other. While I know that my time to have a relationship with my father is over-hers is just beginning.
Daddy, thank you for giving me life, fueling my desire to be successful, and making me realize that life isn’t and can’t always so clear cut, like the family on the Cosby show. Thank you for helping me develop my own values about family and teaching me that living life and raising children go hand in hand.
I love you Daddy.
Happy Father’s Day!
Anya Nicole grew up in a drug and crime plagued household and neighborhood in Philadelphia, but she strived to break the mold and became the first person in her family to graduate from college. Anya uses the world around her as a palate to create chilling street stories such as Corporate Corner Boyz (2008) and Judgment Day (2010). Divas, Diamonds & Dollars (June 2010) is Anya’s first project under her publishing house, Black Reign Publications. She also counsels at-risk youths.
© 2010, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.