Once I finally got settled in the room I dosed off, but was suddenly awakened when the registered nurse came over to take my blood pressure. She asked if I was in pain and I told her that I was in pain and felt crampy. I was so weak I whispered my answers to her. After she brought back two pills and a cup of water, I took them and laid there in silence. I wanted the medicine to quickly take affect so that I could fall asleep and forget about what was going on even if it was for a few hours. A couple hours later I was awakened by a resident. He asked some preliminary questions and pushed on my belly before leaving. I fell asleep and woke up to the resident and a doctor standing over me. “You’re having a miscarriage,” the doctor said in a nonchalant tone. At that very moment my mind went blank and my entire body went numb. “Why, God,” I asked silently. I was upset with myself because I believed it was my fault. What did I do wrong? These questions ran through my mind as the doctor continued to speak. I could not believe God allowed me to go through this again.
I miscarried twice when my children were very young. At that time I did not go through these emotions. I was not sad, depressed, resentful, or angry. To be honest I was thankful that God allowed it to happen as I knew I was in no situation to have anymore children by either of those men. Before I met my husband I said I would never have any more children in life. My prayer was God if you’re going to send me someone I pray he has children. I wasn’t going to give any other man a chance to leave me to take care of children he birthed. My past experience of being a single mother has tainted my thinking. However, this time my feelings were the complete opposite. I was very angry, confused, and upset. I felt hopeless and was on the brink of depression. I couldn’t understand why this was happening because I’m married now and my husband has no biological children of his own, although you would think my children came from his loins. I went from not wanting any, to wanting two more. See, when you experience true love you begin to think with your heart and not your mind and body.
The doctor came back with the discharge papers and prescriptions and wished us good luck. He walked out and I got dressed without saying a word to my husband. The silence in the room was so loud. I began to feel bad for my husband because it looked as if I wasn’t able to give him any children. He didn’t sign up for this. I felt so inadequate, disappointed, hopeless and resentful. At that point I could not look at him as I was ashamed. I dreaded the car ride home because I didn’t know what to say.
To be continued…
Elaine Broaster-White is the mother of two wonderful, intelligent children and the wife of the most perfect husband, whose absolutely perfect for her. She’s currently in school earning her degree in Social Work. She’s hoping to sue her degree to help others. But most importantly she is a child of the King, the most High God, Jesus Christ.
© 2015, Shalena D.I.V.A. – Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.