Dear Shalena D.I.V.A.,
In September of 2008 I met the greatest man that I could ever meet in my life. Karlton is loving, caring, giving and a great role model for my son. And the man is fine as I don’t know what! He is 6 feet tall with dark chocolate skin, a buff body, a bald head, and a winning smile. He dresses so sexy, yet conservative usually wearing a pair of jeans with a nice crisp button up polo with extra shiny shoes. He gets the shiny shoes from being in the Army where we both serve. He’s 34 years old and has been divorced before. I am 38 years old with a teenage son and I’ve never been married before. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for me or buy me. He used to say he would follow me to the moon! He is a great man and just all around what I was looking for in a mate.
We started dating in November of 2008, but from day one, I knew that we had something good and that it could blossom into a serious commitment down the line. Although we both deployed to different cities in Iraq in January of 2009, we kept in touch. He flew across dangerous skies to see me on several occasions throughout that year.
In July of 2009, Karlton asked me to marry him after we came home on a two week vacation together. I accepted because I wanted him and this marriage so much. The ring was just stunning. It was a 2.5 carat white gold princess cut, stacked with 6 diamonds on the top, and baguettes all around it. I went to bed that night on cloud nine, but I came crashing down the very next day after his phone rang and he asked me to bring it to him. While picking it up I saw a text from a woman asking him when they were going to hook up again. I asked him about it and he said she isn’t anyone, just someone he met before me. He had already told her that he was single, no kids and hadn’t been in a relationship in the last 5 years. That was true before me; however, he didn’t tell her about me. I asked him to call her and tell her that he was engaged now. I ended up calling her myself and asked her why she called him. She told me everything about their past relationship. It hurt me so bad because he had just proposed to me yesterday and now look. The problem I had with this was that we had been seeing each other for quite some time and this woman claimed she spoke to Karlton often and he never mentioned me. I mean, how important could I be if he doesn’t let people know that he is in a serious relationship with me?
I cried and even asked him to take the ring back, but he refused and asked me to dry my tears. He told me that this woman meant nothing, that he loved me, and that I had nothing to worry about. As much as I wanted to believe him, my suspicions were aroused and I turned into a damn detective. I found out that he had a TAGGED account in his phone that he called “entertainment only” that he only received invites to sleep with other women in the surrounding Texas area. From what I could tell, these were invites only. He never responded, but I still felt uneasy about it. After we spent and a year in Iraq and came back, I found these women in his YAHOO account asking Karlton if he had somebody and he told them about me. But I know he slept with at least one of these women because she said that had good d*** and asked when I was returning because she wanted to hook up before I got back. I found these messages because they popped up on his computer while I was using it. He forgot to close out his instant messenger.
I talked to him about the chats, but again he denied having anything to do with these women. But his denials just made me want to look deeper into things. I knew he was hiding something from me. I let my curiosity get the best of me and I became Inspector Gadget. I really started going through his phones and emails. And you know the old saying, “Don’t go looking for things because you may find something you don’t really want to find.” He was still receiving texts from other women and calls at late hour of the night. There was even a woman at his house between 1 and 2 AM one time, but he lied about her, too.
I never cheated on him and wondered why he would cheat on me. I became so depressed. I couldn’t understand why he kept lying about women from his past and not being able to tell them that he was engaged to me now and that they can’t be friends like they used to be. I never met any of these women if they were just friends. When he committed himself to me, I cut all ties with any man that would even think we had anything personal in the past. I wanted this relationship with Karlton. I was ready for marriage. Now he says due to my trust issues he wants to postpone our wedding which was three months away. What?!? I had already purchased my gown, most of my bridesmaids already had their dresses, we put down payments on venues, etc. Some family members had already purchased tickets to fly over for the wedding and invitations were going out that same day. I was beyond hurt.
I really tried to learn to trust him, but he had too many uncertain situations. I didn’t want to end our relationship because I had a dream of being married and living the married life like my parents did. I will be 39 this November and I wanted to be married and possible have one more child before I turned 40.
Ever since he said he wanted to postpone the wedding, he’s been acting strange and distant. He knew we were supposed to spend the holidays together, but he always had an excuse. On Thanksgiving, he claimed he was with his family and left little time to spend with me. On Christmas it was the same story. On New Years I got all dressed up in a sexy black evening dress, lit some candles, and made his favorite meal. But he showed up almost at midnight. By then, I took off my clothes, put the food away and laid in bed watching television. I counted how long it took for him to touch me once he arrived and got in bed: almost 30 minutes. This was not like him at all.
I was depressed for several months after that. One of my best friends had become so concerned about me so she sent a friend of hers to my house to pray with me. When this lady touched my hand she said” Missy, I don’t know why we are praying or what you are going through, but as I touch your hand all I can see is a fence.” She went on to say that God was showing her a fence as though he was protecting me from something. I received that and realized that is why I am seeing so much in the beginning. But how could I remove myself from this situation? I loved Karlton and wanted nothing but to be with him.
Shortly after that Karlton came to see me one last time and that visit really sucked. We barely spoke and when we did, we kept getting into petty arguments. When he flew back to where he was stationed, he called me to let me know that he had landed and he asked for his ring back. I was not ready for that. I didn’t want to. He gave it to me. Why should I give it back? This ring is sentimental to me. I am still in love with him. He told me that he wanted the ring back so we can start over again by being friends. Okay, is dummy written on my forehead? He wants it back because he paid $4,000 for it. I want it because it’s a circle of love for me and I feel like I would be losing out on that love even though he is not showing it. I finally decided to send it to him. But by the time he drove 11 hours to the Fed Ex, I had a change of heart and recalled the ring. He asked the lady if he can get the ring anyway, but she told him that it had been recalled and I am the only person that can release it. He was hot with me. He cussed me out twice that evening and called me all kinds of names.
I was so relieved when I got the ring in the mail. I was glad that he was unable to get it. Karlton said he really wanted to start over, but he wanted the ring so he could run and be done with me…with no strings. But I chose to keep the ring and even though he doesn’t want this relationship, he won’t have this ring. He can remember me forever no matter what! However, as some days passed by, I started having mixed feelings about the ring. I know he says it’s over, but I still love him. I’m wondering if I should keep the ring or give it back so I can move on even though that’s the last thing I want to do. What should I do?
Holding on to a Ring of Hope
Response from Shalena D.I.V.A.
Dear Ring of Hope,
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. Please don’t feel like you are alone because many women have found themselves in this situation. Many times, we can want something so badly, that we blind ourselves to the obvious warning signs that we see in the beginning. All throughout, you found evidence of his infidelity that would’ve most likely continued into your marriage. You didn’t trust him and this caused you to become a first-rate private investigator. Believe me, he knew you were snooping through his things and were onto his scent that is why he started acting so skittish and blamed everything on YOUR insecurities. But your concerns were not unfounded, they were based upon a mountain of proof that this man could not be trusted.
I’m glad your friend sent that woman to pray for you. What she shared with you was deep and I’m glad you received it in your spirit. Don’t feel bad if you’re still conflicted because that’s usually how it goes when we want something that God does not intend for us to have. I know it sounds like a cliché, but God has better things for you. He has someone who will love and respect you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being a private investigator doing stake outs in front of your husband’s mistress’ house? Come on, sis. You’re better than that.
I know this may not be what you want to hear. But I think you need to give Karlton the ring back and move on with your life. I know it felt good to recall that ring and piss him off like that. But how can you really move on when you know this man will try every way to get his ring back. Times are hard these days and he could do a lot with that $4,000! But the real reason you should give the ring back other than the fact that you are legally obligated to do so is that you can’t receive what God really has for you if you’re still holding onto the past. Didn’t it annoy you that Karlton was still holding onto his past which hindered him from moving forward with you? Besides, as long as you hold onto that ring, Karlton knows that he still has a hold on you.
I know you spent money on planning your wedding and may be a little embarrassed, but Ring of Hope, you dodged a major bullet.
P.S.- Remember, everything has beauty including YOU. It just takes a true D.I.V.A. to see it!
Response from Ciara a.k.a. “Cici the Angry Black Woman”
Ring of Hope,
I agree with Shalena D.I.V.A. in all that she said about the warning signs and moving on and what not. However, I disagree with her on giving the ring back. I don’t care if you have to give it back by law. You deserve something out of this hell hole of a relationship with that dog. Before I talk about the ring, let’s talk about Karlton. First of all, he is too young for you. He may be 34, but you might as well knock off ten to fifteen years from that because men are immature. He has a good job, a buff body, a good looking face, and he has no children. Girl, he is a walking coochie magnet. What woman wouldn’t want to throw him the drawers? And he knows this so he’s not about to turn down all that free coochie no time soon. He’s the man right now and he’s gonna play the field for a few more years. He’s not ready to settle down. Leave that dog where he is.
Now on to that ring. Shalena D.I.V.A. said you should give it back to finally get rid of his sorry behind plus $4,000 is hard to come by these days. It sure the hell is and that is why you need to be compensated for all the mess he put you through which amounts to more than $4,000.
Let’s do the math:
- How much did you spend on your wedding dress?
- How much of a deposit did you put down on the reception hall and the ceremony?
- And the bridesmaids.. oh the bridesmaids. You know they are talking about you like a dog and mad as hell because they put out money for those dresses and they can’t wear them. Within three months of the wedding, you know they probably got all kinds of alterations and all. Tisk. Tisk.
- What about the folks who bought their airline tickets. You better hope they can get a refund or exchange on them suckers.
- How many boxes of tissues did you blow your nose through?
- How many minutes did you burn up on your cell phone wearing your girlfriends ears out over this mess?
- Since he’s into tricking, how much money does he owe you for your coochie? Yeah, I said it. Coochie ain’t free and you can’t get it back… can you?
- What about plain old pain and suffering? It’s not right that you sat up crying and going through changes over his sorry behind when he knew he wasn’t ready to settle down?
- On top of it all, he could’ve given you a disease by sleeping around. Have you gotten tested for anything?
Look, when you add all of that up, it adds up to more than some stinking $4,000. Shoot, it’s almost the amount of the national deficit when you factor in all of your pain and suffering!
Ring of Hope, you deserve better and I want you to have all that God has for you, too. But I don’t think you should give that ring back, at least not the real one anyway. From what you described, you can order a ring that looks just like yours and send that to him. His dumb butt probably won’t know the difference.
Even when the children of Israel left out of Egypt, they had all kinds of Egyptian jewelry for their pain and suffering and you’re no different!
I hope this advice helps!
Holler at your girl,
CiCi “The Angry Black Woman”
http://www.shalenadiva.com Family, what do YOU think?
© 2011, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.