Dear Shalena D.I.V.A.,

In September of 2008 I met the greatest man that I could ever meet in my life. Karlton is loving, caring, giving and a great role model for my son. And the man is fine as I don’t know what! He is 6 feet tall with dark chocolate skin, a buff body, a bald head, and a winning smile. He dresses so sexy, yet conservative usually wearing a pair of jeans with a nice crisp button up polo with extra shiny shoes. He gets the shiny shoes from being in the Army where we both serve. He’s 34 years old and has been divorced before. I am 38 years old with a teenage son and I’ve never been married before. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for me or buy me. He used to say he would follow me to the moon! He is a great man and just all around what I was looking for in a mate.

We started dating in November of 2008, but from day one, I knew that we had something good and that it could blossom into a serious commitment down the line. Although we both deployed to different cities in Iraq in January of 2009, we kept in touch. He flew across dangerous skies to see me on several occasions throughout that year. 

In July of 2009, Karlton asked me to marry him after we came home on a two week vacation together. I accepted because I wanted him and this marriage so much. The ring was just stunning. It was a 2.5 carat white gold princess cut, stacked with 6 diamonds on the top, and baguettes all around it. I went to bed that night on cloud nine, but I came crashing down the very next day after his phone rang and he asked me to bring it to him. While picking it up I saw a text from a woman asking him when they were going to hook up again.  I asked him about it and he said she isn’t anyone, just someone he met before me.  He had already told her that he was single, no kids and hadn’t been in a relationship in the last 5 years. That was true before me; however, he didn’t tell her about me. I asked him to call her and tell her that he was engaged now.  I ended up calling her myself and asked her why she called him. She told me everything about their past relationship. It hurt me so bad because he had just proposed to me yesterday and now look. The problem I had with this was that we had been seeing each other for quite some time and this woman claimed she spoke to Karlton often and he never mentioned me. I mean, how important could I be if he doesn’t let people know that he is in a serious relationship with me?

I cried and even asked him to take the ring back, but he refused and asked me to dry my tears. He told me that this woman meant nothing, that he loved me, and that I had nothing to worry about. As much as I wanted to believe him, my suspicions were aroused and I turned into a damn detective. I found out that he had a TAGGED account in his phone that he called “entertainment only” that he only received invites to sleep with other women in the surrounding Texas area. From what I could tell, these were invites only. He never responded, but I still felt uneasy about it.  After we spent and a year in Iraq and came back, I found these women in his YAHOO account asking Karlton if he had somebody and he told them about me. But I know he slept with at least one of these women because she said that had good d*** and asked when I was returning because she wanted to hook up before I got back. I found these messages because they popped up on his computer while I was using it. He forgot to close out his instant messenger.

I talked to him about the chats, but again he denied having anything to do with these women. But his denials just made me want to look deeper into things. I knew he was hiding something from me.  I let my curiosity get the best of me and I became Inspector Gadget. I really started going through his phones and emails. And you know the old saying, “Don’t go looking for things because you may find something you don’t really want to find.” He was still receiving texts from other women and calls at late hour of the night.  There was even a woman at his house between 1 and 2 AM one time, but he lied about her, too.

 I never cheated on him and wondered why he would cheat on me. I became so depressed. I couldn’t understand why he kept lying about women from his past and not being able to tell them that he was engaged to me now and that they can’t be friends like they used to be. I never met any of these women if they were just friends. When he committed himself to me, I cut all ties with any man that would even think we had anything personal in the past. I wanted this relationship with Karlton. I was ready for marriage.  Now he says due to my trust issues he wants to postpone our wedding which was three months away. What?!? I had already purchased my gown, most of my bridesmaids already had their dresses, we put down payments on venues, etc. Some family members had already purchased tickets to fly over for the wedding and invitations were going out that same day.  I was beyond hurt.

I really tried to learn to trust him, but he had too many uncertain situations.  I didn’t want to end our relationship because I had a dream of being married and living the married life like my parents did. I will be 39 this November and I wanted to be married and possible have one more child before I turned 40.

Ever since he said he wanted to postpone the wedding, he’s been acting strange and distant. He knew we were supposed to spend the holidays together, but he always had an excuse. On Thanksgiving, he claimed he was with his family and left little time to spend with me. On Christmas it was the same story. On New Years I got all dressed up in a sexy black evening dress, lit some candles, and made his favorite meal. But he showed up almost at midnight. By then, I took off my clothes, put the food away and laid in bed watching television. I counted how long it took for him to touch me once he arrived and got in bed: almost 30 minutes. This was not like him at all.

I was depressed for several months after that. One of my best friends had become so concerned about me so she sent a friend of hers to my house to pray with me. When this lady touched my hand she said” Missy, I don’t know why we are praying or what you are going through, but as I touch your hand all I can see is a fence.”  She went on to say that God was showing her a fence as though he was protecting me from something. I received that and realized that is why I am seeing so much in the beginning. But how could I remove myself from this situation? I loved Karlton and wanted nothing but to be with him.  

Shortly after that Karlton came to see me one last time and that visit really sucked. We barely spoke and when we did, we kept getting into petty arguments. When he flew back to where he was stationed, he called me to let me know that he had landed and he asked for his ring back. I was not ready for that. I didn’t want to. He gave it to me. Why should I give it back? This ring is sentimental to me. I am still in love with him. He told me that he wanted the ring back so we can start over again by being friends. Okay, is dummy written on my forehead? He wants it back because he paid $4,000 for it. I want it because it’s a circle of love for me and I feel like I would be losing out on that love even though he is not showing it.  I finally decided to send it to him. But by the time he drove 11 hours to the Fed Ex, I had a change of heart and recalled the ring. He asked the lady if he can get the ring anyway, but she told him that it had been recalled and I am the only person that can release it. He was hot with me. He cussed me out twice that evening and called me all kinds of names.  

I was so relieved when I got the ring in the mail. I was glad that he was unable to get it. Karlton said he really wanted to start over, but he wanted the ring so he could run and be done with me…with no strings.  But I chose to keep the ring and even though he doesn’t want this relationship, he won’t have this ring. He can remember me forever no matter what! However, as some days passed by, I started having mixed feelings about the ring. I know he says it’s over, but I still love him. I’m wondering if I should keep the ring or give it back so I can move on even though that’s the last thing I want to do. What should I do?

Signed,

Holding on to a Ring of Hope

Response from Shalena D.I.V.A.

Dear Ring of Hope,

First of all, thank you for sharing your story. Please don’t feel like you are alone because many women have found themselves in this situation. Many times, we can want something so badly, that we blind ourselves to the obvious warning signs that we see in the beginning. All throughout, you found evidence of his infidelity that would’ve most likely continued into your marriage. You didn’t trust him and this caused you to become a first-rate private investigator. Believe me, he knew you were snooping through his things and were onto his scent that is why he started acting so skittish and blamed everything on YOUR insecurities. But your concerns were not unfounded, they were based upon a mountain of proof that this man could not be trusted.

I’m glad your friend sent that woman to pray for you. What she shared with you was deep and I’m glad you received it in your spirit. Don’t feel bad if you’re still conflicted because that’s usually how it goes when we want something that God does not intend for us to have. I know it sounds like a cliché, but God has better things for you. He has someone who will love and respect you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being a private investigator doing stake outs in front of your husband’s mistress’ house? Come on, sis. You’re better than that.

I know this may not be what you want to hear. But I think you need to give Karlton the ring back and move on with your life. I know it felt good to recall that ring and piss him off like that. But how can you really move on when you know this man will try every way to get his ring back. Times are hard these days and he could do a lot with that $4,000! But the real reason you should give the ring back other than the fact that you are legally obligated to do so is that you can’t receive what God really has for you if you’re still holding onto the past. Didn’t it annoy you that Karlton was still holding onto his past which hindered him from moving forward with you? Besides, as long as you hold onto that ring, Karlton knows that he still has a hold on you.

I know you spent money on planning your wedding and may be a little embarrassed, but Ring of Hope, you dodged a major bullet.

Sincerely,

Shalena D.I.V.A.

P.S.- Remember, everything has beauty including YOU. It just takes a true D.I.V.A. to see it!

Response from Ciara a.k.a. “Cici the Angry Black Woman”

Ring of Hope,

I agree with Shalena D.I.V.A. in all that she said about the warning signs and moving on and what not. However, I disagree with her on giving the ring back. I don’t care if you have to give it back by law. You deserve something out of this hell hole of a relationship with that dog. Before I talk about the ring, let’s talk about Karlton. First of all, he is too young for you. He may be 34, but you might as well knock off ten to fifteen years from that because men are immature. He has a good job, a buff body, a good looking face, and he has no children. Girl, he is a walking coochie magnet. What woman wouldn’t want to throw him the drawers? And he knows this so he’s not about to turn down all that free coochie no time soon. He’s the man right now and he’s gonna play the field for a few more years. He’s not ready to settle down. Leave that dog where he is.

Now on to that ring. Shalena D.I.V.A. said you should give it back to finally get rid of his sorry behind plus $4,000 is hard to come by these days. It sure the hell is and that is why you need to be compensated for all the mess he put you through which amounts to more than $4,000.

Let’s do the math:

  1. How much did you spend on your wedding dress?
  2. How much of a deposit did you put down on the reception hall and the ceremony?
  3. And the bridesmaids.. oh the bridesmaids. You know they are talking about you like a dog and mad as hell because they put out money for those dresses and they can’t wear them. Within three months of the wedding, you know they probably got all kinds of alterations and all. Tisk. Tisk.
  4. What about the folks who bought their airline tickets. You better hope they can get a refund or exchange on them suckers.
  5. How many boxes of tissues did you blow your nose through?
  6. How many minutes did you burn up on your cell phone wearing your girlfriends ears out over this mess?
  7. Since he’s into tricking, how much money does he owe you for your coochie? Yeah, I said it. Coochie ain’t free and you can’t get it back… can you?
  8. What about plain old pain and suffering? It’s not right that you sat up crying and going through changes over his sorry behind when he knew he wasn’t ready to settle down?
  9. On top of it all, he could’ve given you a disease by sleeping around. Have you gotten tested for anything?

Look, when you add all of that up, it adds up to more than some stinking $4,000. Shoot, it’s almost the amount of the national deficit when you factor in all of your pain and suffering!

Ring of Hope, you deserve better and I want you to have all that God has for you, too. But I don’t think you should give that ring back, at least not the real one anyway. From what you described, you can order a ring that looks just like yours and send that to him. His dumb butt probably won’t know the difference.

Even when the children of Israel left out of Egypt, they had all kinds of Egyptian jewelry for their pain and suffering and you’re no different!

I hope this advice helps!

Holler at your girl,

CiCi “The Angry Black Woman”

http://www.shalenadiva.com Family, what do YOU think?

© 2011, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.

81 comments on “Ring of Hope”

  1. Heck no! hawk that ISH in and cash out on the relationship.. besides a smart woman told me once… when u feel down..”Go shopping” it will make u feel better… get rid of the old and buy new..lol

  2. Shalena shalena shalena, well, from my perspective, I don’t know what she is hell bent on hanging onto that ring for, she needs to give it back to the brother, if not for more than anything, her peace of mind. She stated that without the ring, he can keep thinking about her. She needs to cut the ties and move on. The brother may have loved her… but he was not in love with her, if he were, the cheating would not have been going on. He is clearly not ready for a committed relationship. I won’t tell her to cut her losses since I think that is a cold statement, but she does need to give the ring back and move on with her life. Wish her luck for me.

  3. I was joking on my last post btw.. Real talk.. he aint worth hanging on to unless she wants a constant headache.. But the woman is gonna do what she feels she needs to do! Im with everyone else.. Let him have the ring back.. probably was worth just as much as that faulty relationship!

  4. http://www.shalenadiva.com I love what you said to hear. I think thats kinda like the same thing God gave me in my dream last night. Kinda of the reason why things happend they way they in recent months. But dang its like u where talking to me again on it. But I agree she does and I have. I have forgiven my ex’s and ex’s crushes also. God does have sometthing and someone better for me. I know beacause I reap what I sow. It will be my season and is!

  5. man, give that ring back. why keep it? no need of keeping it. keeping it signifies holding on. give ring back, cancel wedding, and while you’re going through your hurt, because you will be hurt, move on and ask god to bless you with something better.

  6. Legally she would have to give it back, unless she “lost” it. Morally she should give it back, why keep the memory around your finger or in a jewelry box. Unfortunately many would say “screw that, it’s mine, I earned it!” give it back and say good riddance!

  7. See, Bernadette. Why you gotta go there ? I know plenty of females that are out cheating. Its not a one way street and it does take two to tango..

  8. I think legally the law is different in each state as to whether she should give back the ring. I know in some states, it depends on who has blame for ending the relationship. If she asks out, she returns it, if he asks out, then she keeps it. In this case, depending on what their state law is, she may be able to legally keep the ring. However her emotional attachment is a whole other factor. If she really is hoping this ring will have some sort of emotional hold on him, in the hopes that he will come back, then she should give it back. He clearly isn’t marriage material, and doesn’t want to marry her…so why hold onto this “ring of hope”? It will only cause further emotional damage for her.

    • @Rochelle- Depending on the state, you and Ciara “The Angry Black Woman” are gonna get this woman locked up, brought up on charges–LOL!

  9. @Roger, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I just don’t think he’s ready to commit to anyone right now. I’m gald that God protected her from much worse heartache and anguish. I think it’s a good thing that he broke off the engagement because this good woman would’ve been put through the ringer.. and for what? She’s a beautiful woman with a great sense of loyalty who can find a good man who will appreciate her to the fullest. I know that sounds cliche, but it will happen for her. And guess what? That man wil wake up one day and realize that he lost a good one.

  10. Trust me I did and it feels great to leave that part far behind me.Again, I say…..GIVE IT BACK!!!! Lol

  11. LOL life is so serious most of the time.. Some times u have to see the light at the end of the tunnel or in her case a mall;)

    • @Christine–LOL! She’s gonna hurt for a minute, but she’ll bounce back eventually. A shopping spree could make her feel better after she gets back to who she is.

  12. i don’t mean to bash the men’s cause there are some good one’s out here but where are they i’ve been single for 3 years cause of lying cheating men. they come into a relationship one way and when you turn around you ask yourself what happen… to that person that i meet months ago yes i’m still looking for friendship, soul mate, trust worthy ,honest,loving family.and most of all maybe marriage but until i find one i guess i’ll be single which is not always good but at the end of the day i’m happy alone at times but happy not to have a man in my life that will do me wrong…

    • @Bernadette—My sister and I were just having this conversation about some women just want a “piece of a man” that will keep their bed warm some nights out of the week or who are only giving part of themselves to her. It’s easy to say, oh, …I don’t want piece of a man, I want all of him. But sometimes when the lonelies get to talking, that’s easier said than done. In fact, some women are afraid to be alone. Bernadette, I’m glad you’re holding out even though it gets tough at times.

      • @shalenadiva you are also right but when that time come there’s no better way to feel then to feel yourself.. LOL come on but a man touch is also good to have as well so i will do the best until i can do better

        • @Bernadette– Don’t tell me you have a BOB “battery operated boyfriend”. LOL! Girl, you crazy!

  13. I would give it back. I wouldnt want any memories of what could have been. She will get compensation if she let go, dont get bitter, and move on.

  14. I did a little research on the web and it seems like some states are torn. Here’s something I found: “The majority of courts find that the gift of an engagement ring contains an implied condition of marriage; acceptance of the proposal is n…ot the underlying “deal.” Absent some other understanding — say, that the ring is merely a memento of a great trip to Hawaii — most courts look at engagement rings as conditional gifts given in contemplation of marriage”

  15. Take her ring/gift & run like hell from that dog before he gives her an std!! He’s a good reason y good men catch hell from a hurt woman!! Greedy ass!!

  16. i wiil give it back i woudt no have to do with anything that came from him i wiil melt it down so he can not use it for any other woman

    • @Clarence—You wouldn’t mind if a woman kept your ring? A lot of guys would want it and ask for it back. That’s interesting.

  17. I wuld keep it, then sale it & kick him 2 de curb, I wuldn’t give him another chance 2 give me a disease, that is so wrong that he wants de ring back, how low can he crawl in de gutter, eeew! that is jus icky!!!

  18. With pleasure give it back!! You dont want to keep it anyways just a reminder of how selfish and foolish he was!

  19. @Shalenadiva what ever it takes!!!!! AND I’M SURE I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE THERE’S A LOT OF THING I WON’T CATCH WITH MY BOB!!! lol

  20. @Bernadette–You’re a mess! LOL! Like Lil’ Kim said a few years ago, “a disease free” chick–LOL!

  21. @SHALENADIVA ! i’m not going to clean up nothing i wrote here i do have a friend just to keep that side of the bed warm when i want it warm but BOB is the best!!!!! LOL

    • Bernadette- why are you cutting up? Geez.. LOL! But that is why I love the comments you guys post. You’ll find a little of this and a little of that!

      • @shalenadiva remember a while back i posted that i got me a new job so i wasn’t able to talk with you guys for a while well i work night’s now and it’s been a while since i was able to sit ans voice my oppion with you and i really miss you all so much well i’m back LOL

  22. ‎@Bernadette—I’m glad you’re back because I really miss your comments! Half of y’all are in rare form this morning! @Marian is talking about melting down the ring then give it back to him. LOL! What in the world! I’m laughing so hard right …now. What is he supposed to do with that? @Bernadette is talking about BOB’s. @Gene’s talking about the plight of good black men like him—ahem, had to clear my throat on that one. @Rochelee is talking about pawning the ring! @Christine is talking about going on a shopping spree! Y’all are tripping. That is why I asked y’all. I knew I’d get funny answers. LOL!

    • @Shalena, Can a good man get a break? Dang u hard on a fella!! LOL!! PLEASE!!! WOW!! Cleared ur throat for what??? Snot!

      • Omg i heard it all now jeez i am laughing too@shalena ouch band aids anyone? thats gonna leave a scar!

      • @Gene, stop showing off! I will slap the taste out of your mouth! I’m about sick of your monkey tail!

    • @Sharon, U see I’m just trying to get my point across & Shalena just beating the hell outta! Yet she the first one creating a post on domestic violence! & she whoopin me on a regular! “Slap the taste outta my mouth?”. I can’t escape abusive women! Is there any lady that doesn’t want to slap a good man up?? HELP!!!!

  23. Yeah pretty much what is even sadder is we let them do it to us. we teach others how to treat us and if anyone feel they can do it and get away with it why will they stop?

  24. Give it back n go on with her life w/no looking back or wondering if he changed cause the answer is heck no..why the heck he give her the ring k.owing he cheating..stupid

  25. If i were her…. I know she loves him..but girl if God is showing u hez nt the man for u tht is cheating on u then God can also gv u a dream marriage and anotha kid wth the right guy. Tht man will neva stop cheatn..thts probably the reason… y hez divorced. Dnt gv the ring back..keep it as recompense for the money u n ur family spent on wedding preparations..but when u look at it..learn frm it. Let it b a rememberance for u 2 neva sell urslf out to sm1 tht is not worthy of u. Do not gv tht man anotha thot..but trust God enuf to use tht as a stepping stone for u to move in the right direction. God neva wants us women to be desperate for a man. He wants us to be treated as the queens tht we are.. Sm men duno how to do tht..n those r the ways u stay away frm. U will go down wth em. Tht man will treat u no more thn the household help..coz he needs a maid nt a wife. U deserve the best.. Give urslf tht mch of a chance to know tht God has a great plan n knows wot u want n He will give it to u…to the lady tht wrote the article..See More

  26. God knows best… Thank u for ur story coz its cleared up alot for me 2. We r neva meant to feel like we need to beg for love. Love is free but its also freedom! And when its love in its wholeness and completeness then thts wot u shud feel..whole n complete..not an empty void of desperation in ur tummy tht ur tryna fill wth a mirage/hallucination of a love isnt thr to honour ur commitment n devotion.

  27. Lmao @ Gene n Shalena.. Hahaha.. I also want a good man…plz come out of the hole u r hiding in..i wud love to meet u. Amen and amen lmao!

  28. She should give the ring back! Remember it’s not hers, even judges will rule in the guys favor. Now i’m not condoning his cheating HE IS WRONG, FLATOUT!

    But her giving the ring back AND MOVING on with her life is paramount, if you ask me.

  29. This story is disturbing on so many levels. Why is there so many layers to this story? As soon as she caught him cheating (not alleged cheating), then that was warrant for her to remove herself from the relationship. The layers of stupidity in this situation is unbeknownst to me.

  30. Why do some women feel like doing right by a no good guy is the only way of being a bigger person. ijs. . That man and his belongings should be her last concern. What value is he adding to her life. .His good looks! Ha! Check her laws and …do something that offers some type of gratification for herself or to another thats deserving if she is looking for appreciation from someone. If the law says so. . MAIL it back then!

    • Also, I’d return the ring because it’d be doing right by me, not him. Esp in her case because she’s holding on to it as a hope for his return even though he’s clearly not ready. Its her way of holding on to him even if she purchased something else with the money, but I hear what you’re saying and would agree in certain other cases! LOL

  31. When a woman “accepts” the ring it is a verbal contract for marriage. If she is not going to marry him she should give the ring back. Why would anybody want to keep a wedding ring from someone she is not going to marry?

    • @Mike, it has sentimental value to her. It’s her way of holding onto him because she’s not ready to let go just yet. I also think part fo her kept it to be spiteful since he dugged her out. I think she’ll give it back though.

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