Dear Shalena D.I.V.A.,

I am a 55 year young woman whose body started changing at age 49. By 51, my sex drive went down and now I have none. I thought my husband of over ten years was very understanding, but now he constantly asks me when are we going to make love again. I told him that I am not the same inside anymore. For as long as I can remember, he told me there is no woman on this Earth as beautiful as me. But just a few weeks ago he was talking with his son about the women on his job that are all under 40, especially one in particular who all the men are all over. He said the other women don’t care for her because of how good she looks and how the men treat her. My husband shocked me when he called her beautiful while sitting right in front of me. I know that I’m going through “the change” of life, but that example is only one of the many changes I’ve seen in my husband.

During the fifteen years that we’ve been married, he’s never lied to me or at least I’ve never caught him in a lie. However, he would always put his paycheck in my hand, but now he hasn’t for the past six months. To add to this, he also started coming home later and blames it on the bus being late. Our car is down and this is why we both catch the bus now, but we catch the same bus at the same times except when he comes home late. The crazy thing about this is that when we are on the bus, we are the last passengers on the on it because we get off at the last stop-ALWAYS! Now, when he does come home late, that means that it is just him and the driver on the bus who happens to be a young woman.

One time, we were on the bus talking to the driver. Interestingly, he never mentioned the fact that I was his wife to the bus driver. During our conversation, we talked about the towns we grew up in and my husband said he grew up in Chicago. I said I don’t know anything about Chicago because I was born and raised here. My husband mugged me. I was shocked even the driver told him he was wrong for muffing me. Why would he do that? He has never put his hands on me before, not even in a joking way.  I let him know to NEVER do that again.

Like I said before, I know that I am going through the change of life, but I think my husband is going through the change of life, too. He’s a proud Marine and he doesn’t believe in the whole mid-life crisis stuff. But his actions prove otherwise. In my heart, I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a woman. I don’t know who, but he’s preoccupied with someone else. I say it’s an emotional affair because I don’t feel in my spirit that he’s having a sexual relationship with anyone. I would feel that, but I don’t in this case.

What should I do in this case? Is he having an emotional affair? Should I be concerned with his actions?

Signed,

Going Through Changes

Response from Chantele, “The Designer of Love”:

Dear Going Through Changes,

Unfortunately gravity and the change of life happen to us all. I urge you to find the things that make you feel beautiful and attractive. Your husband is crying out for your attention and feeling a romantic disconnection which can lead to an emotional affair. Finding the way to reconnect with your marriage and still have the fun you used to have that made you smile and brought you and your husband together is key. Date your mate and make this marriage flourish with love once again. When a person feels like they are missing something they may seek it elsewhere, but this is not to say that your husband is having an affair. If he is pleading with you to connect with him in a wifely way by all means find a way to connect with your husband. Women who are going through the change often feel a disconnection in the making love area. Being tried from work, kids, cooking, cleaning, weight gain, low-esteem and many other various reasons can cause this, too. But we can’t forget what sparked love or that initial connection. God gave us a beautiful way to express love. And we shouldn’t deprive ourselves of that love.

We all have things we want to change or find unsatisfactory when we look at ourselves in the mirror. So first let’s build up your self-worth and self-esteem. Change your hair-style or do a quick at home make-over. It’s important that your husband is attracted to you. But it very important that you feel attracted to yourself. Going through the change is an emotional and trying time for a woman. And the number one thing is trust. Feeling disconnected from a partner is very hard and difficult. So let’s build trust and love in your relationship.

What should you do? Find a way to reconnect with your husband in all ways. Is he having an emotional affair? Pray that whatever is occupying his mind is only just his job. And pray that God can give you the desire to reconnect with your husband because he is crying out for your love and if you are the only one he desires tap back into that desire. I think you should pray that you can rebuild, reconnect, and build a stronger and loving marriage. Bring a new way to LIFE CHANGES.

Yours Truly,
Chantele “The Designer of Love”

Response from Ciara “The Angry Black Woman”

Dear Going Through Changes,

First of all, let me say that I feel for you girlfriend. I hear that “the change” ain’t nothing to mess with.  It seems like you had a healthy sex life with your husband before ‘the change” and it must be hard on you, too, not to have your usual sexual appetite. I’m sure you want your husband physically, but get depressed and beat yourself up because you can’t satisfy him due to your body changing.  I would hope he’d be more understanding, too, but it looks like he put a time limit on that thang.  I hear taking Evening Primrose Oil helps your body adjust to “the change.” I think you should try it.

Now on to the other subject at hand: your husband. There is no doubt in my mind that he is up to something. Now you say, you think it’s an emotional affair. I think this makes you feel better than thinking he’s out there sleeping around. But I must say that an emotional affair could be worse. I mean  when most women find out that their man has cheated, the first question they ask is “Did you care about her or love her?” We don’t care so much if he enjoyed the sex we want to know if he had feelings for her. We want to know if there is an emotional attachment. That is why I think an emotional affair is worse in some cases.

Now, I will say this. He is having an affair—an affair with stupidity. Chantele, gave a nice and sweet response, but she never discussed anything in your letter. Why is he not handing over those paychecks? If he’s not giving it to you, who is he giving it to? Could he be tricking with that paycheck? Paying for some of that young female tail on the job that he keeps bragging about? It doesn’t seem like he’s spending that money on getting the car fixed.  See, with me, playing with my money is playing with my emotions!

He’s also coming home late on a bus that never runs late that also happens to have a young, sexy female bus driver. Either he’s spending some time talking to her or he’s taking a detour. And then, he’s disrespecting you in front of other women and talking about how fine they are. That’s a no-no, boo boo. I think these are grounds for further investigation into the matter. I think you should be concerned because he may take this too far if you don’t put your foot down.

Lastly, it irks my nerve that everybody puts the pressure on the woman to make her marriage work during menopause. I mean, look at Chantele’s response. You have to do this and do that. What about him? I bet he’s going through male menopause, but is in denial. He may be a former Marine, but that don’t mean crap. He can still experience male menopause which is the slower production of testosterone in men. This may cause some men to feel less manly and cause them to prove that they still have it. I guess that’s why all that female tail at work and on that bus looks so appealing to him. He ain’t fooling nobody, but himself.

I want you to make your marriage work like Chantele suggested, but I don’t want you to no fool either. Pay attention to those signs, girlfriend.

Going Through Changes, I hope this advice helped you and I wish you the best.

Holler at your girl,

Ciara

 
Shalena D.I.V.A. family, what do you think? Is he having a physical affair or an emotional affair? Have your ever experienced this before? What did you do about it? How did you manage going through “the change of life”?

© 2011, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.

41 comments on “An Emotional Affair or What…”

  1. Ok… this man is up to something. What? I don’t know. His patterns have dfinitely changed. That is usually a red flag. I’m bothered by the fact that he’s embarrasing her in front og other women and not handing over that paycheck— That’s a big no-no. I think he’s going through the chnage of life, too, but won’t acknowledge it. That may be why he’s salivating over these young women.

    • I realy empathze wd dz wman.wen sex urge ebbs esp at dt age no 1 shud b blamed.ts totaly unceptble 2 embaraz sm1 u lvd so mch in such a manner.

  2. The vast majority of men are clueless about the changes that women go through. He needs to be informed about the menopause stage. Talk with her doctor, read the literature. Dont allow him to drift away because of ignorance. He is reacting out of fear and the lack of knowledge. Just my obeservation.

  3. Mos def being selfish and callous!!!! Wifey needs to give him a slap and put him in check. Also sounds like she could use a new dose of self esteem. It wouldn’t hurt for the both if them to see a sex therapist. Someone on the outside,a proffesional whom has no emotioal ties between the two of them..

  4. I would guess that because she has not been able to satisfy her husband as a side effect she may develop self esteem issues. Even though its a medical and life altering condition for her and not him. Good news is, this can be remedied but he’s too selfish to help her and go through it with her =(

  5. She really needs to work on herself seems like she has just given in, how can her husband understand that, she just can’t give up like that and expect him to understand. She changed now he is changing they need some real Pastoral counseling from someone qualified, just bcause someone Pastors a church does not make them qualified seek spritual help!!

  6. @Karen–amen to that counseling point you just mad. i think they should seek counseling from qualified outside help. It must be so hard on her though. This can’t be easy. It’s like she lost a part of herself and now she’s trying to get it back.

  7. @ Karen it sounds like he still desires her sexually so Im not sure he’s changed in that regard. Its the emotional aspect of it. He’s frustraited. I bet she is too. Bottom line………….they both need counciling from a proffesional on this problem or their marriage is DOOMED!!! This behavior on his part is destructive and mos likely will result in infedelity and deceit…..

  8. @Anthony–thank you for touching upon his actions because everyone seems to harp on the woman. He’s ouot of pocket for sure and headed down a dark road. Those young girls may make him lose is mind and show him that he ain’t all of that no more–LOL!

  9. @ Shalendiva we as men don’t particularly handle situations like this very well when we’re the ones with the sexual and performance problems. We need our egos stroked every now and then. Mos def have to be there for each other. Gotta have some storms to appreciate the Sun and Clouds =))

  10. Scary thing is if she should happen to befriend a male whom understands and feels her the way she needs to be felt,the tables could be turned quick. Two lefts don’t make it right but these things happen more than we know #getitinorloseit!!!

  11. @Anthony, Freddie, and Matthew– I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I woner howmany men suffer from male emnopause in silence. I also wonder if this contributes to the male mid-life crisis– you know, the earring, the motorcycle, the younger women, etc.

  12. I think that he should stop having a conversation any maybe he needs to hold her, touch her and just caress her heart. I am just saying sometime non verbal communication is good and accept her where she is right now.

  13. I wouldn’t rule it out but generally that usually stems from starting a family at an early age. Making sacrafices for the kids. Once they’re gone you try to pic up where you left off before the family developed. Sad thing is ur life partner is not always included in this =((

  14. Men do lose some harmones as they age. The idenity crisis is addressed much different. If we could just stop majoring in the minor and minor in the major our relationshhps would be healthier. Now I got to put some poligrip on my partials and eat lunch. Love you all

  15. They do not need counseling from their pastor or otherwise. They need to talk with a medical doctor. There is hormone replacement for her and blue pills for him if needed. The change of life is part of life and their is so much info out the…re, free classes and the internet. The classes are for both men and women, sadly only women attend these classes. The change of life don’t have to be negetive, it can be a positive in the life of married couples. Children in college or just grown and moved out, periods stopped and freedom to love at anytime. They should seek medical attention together and let the lovin begin anew.

  16. Well I Know that If your mate Loves you they Love you no matter what !!!! People do change I Pray I’m young enough to find Happiness with my next step in any Reslationship that comes my way .

  17. i agree with all that was said but the brother is going thru a change also n he needs his side understood too…….

      • well we as men and i speak for self keep it on the I are not the greatest of communicators. and we tin to create our own senarios too.. so its on them both to reasure each other in bad times just as in goodtimes….

  18. A combination of both pyscotherapy and spiritual guidance would be in order. Egos have to set aside. Both are having self esteem issues. He needs to get off the jerk wagon and man up. This is your wife. Be her husband and stop using this c…ondition to be condensending and unfaithful. A weak man is a pittiful creature. Dont blame the wife because she goes through natural changes. Either he adapts and supports her or he will ruin this marriage.

  19. Low libido,impotence,frigidity r sm of sex dysfunctional wch pple cnt share o reveal 2 any1.wn 1 of dz sets in,da wrld seems a void wd no lyf.dt wmn wl automaticaly safa 4rm low slf esteem cz sh cnt reveal 2 ha frndz 4 fear of bng laughd at o spread arnd 2 otha ppl

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