Dear Shalena D.I.V.A.,

I am a middle aged woman who has been married once, got divorced, but have never remarried. My ex-husband is originally from Ghana and we met over thirty years ago in college. I quickly fell in love with him because he was kind, respectable, and genuinely cared for me. Our marriage was going smoothly until his relatives from Ghana visited us. I could tell right away that these women did not care for me. I would hear them whispering amongst each other whenever I would walk past them. They didn’t even eat the food I prepared for them—what a slap in the face. My husband was acting distant, too—as if he was suddenly ashamed of me. Normally, we would show displays of affection freely, but he didn’t show me any affection around them.

When they finally left to go back to Ghana, he told me that his relatives did not approve of me because I was too proud and worldly. Since when does having a healthy dose of self confidence make anyone “too proud”? How dare they call me worldy when I am a sincere Christian who abstains from anything I think would offend God? More than anything, who are they to judge me? Although I tried to convince my husband that these women were wrong about me, it didn’t seem to change his mind.

One day, my husband told me that I should marry a white man because he was not good enough for me. I was devastated and confused because I didn’t know any white men at all. This really surprised me because I always thought my husband was so sure of himself, but comments like these made me think otherwise. I don’t know why he thought he wasn’t good enough for me. After that we started slowly drifting apart.

Finally, after a few years of separation, I asked him if he wanted a divorce because it seemed like the logical thing to do. He said yes and didn’t put up a fight at all. It was as if I asked him to come along with me to the mall and he said yes. I really didn’t want to get the divorce, but I felt as if there was no hope for our marriage.

Since our divorce, I have dated other men, but I haven’t remarried. I feel like I sinned against God when I divorced my husband. I guess I was leaning unto my own understanding instead of looking to Him. People have encouraged me to date and consider getting remarried to someone else, but I don’t feel that in my spirit. I would really need God to let me know that it is okay to remarry someone other than my ex-husband. But the truth is I regret getting a divorce because when all is said and done, I think we could’ve worked things out between us.

I ran into my husband a few years ago and we became the best of friends. Interestingly, neither of us remarried. I don’t know if he feels the same way I do about getting remarried in God’s eyes, but I believe he didn’t remarry another woman for a reason.

We talk on the phone often and plan to see each other very soon. I still love this man and I know he loves me. We have skirted around the issue of marriage, but always back away.

Life is short and I want to live a life that is pleasing to God. Should I remarry my ex-husband? What should I do if he never asks me to remarry him? Should I ask him?

Sincerely,

To Remarry or not to Remarry

 

Response from Shalena D.I.V.A.

Dear Remarry or not to Remarry,

I think you should really try to work things out with your ex-husband. It seems as though you two allowed petty differences to destroy your marriage. I’m so glad that you recognized this. I think many marriages could be saved if folks took a step back and just got to the root of their issues. Your husband married you and not his relatives from Ghana; therefore, he shouldn’t allow what they think to determine how he feels for you. I also think the “you need to marry a white man” suggestion was an excuse he used to justify pushing you away. Although I know there are cultural differences that need to be understood in this relationship, I think you should be honest with yourself and see if what his relatives said about you being too proud had any basis. By that I mean ask yourself if you showed your husband respect and treated him like the head of your relationship and always made him feel secure in this role. Sometimes, being a headstrong and independent woman can eclipse a man in a relationship if we are not careful. Always allow a man to be a man. I’m not saying that you are guilty of this. I’m only suggesting that you examine yourself and work on things that he complained about that you know you can change. Pray about that.

You said that you wouldn’t remarry someone other than your ex-husband unless God put it in your spirit to do so. It seems to me like God did answer your prayer because you and your ex-husband have reunited somewhat and neither of you have remarried. I think that’s a sign that you shouldn’t have remarried someone other than . I also think that is what you truly want. Nobody is perfect just keep that in mind if you decide to move forward with this relationship.

Finally, although I think you should remarry your ex-husband, I don’t think you should ask him. I think he should propose to you. In fact, I don’t think any woman should ask a man to marry her. If he wants to marry you, he will ask. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring the topic of marriage up during conversation, just let it be him who makes that move.

Above all else, continue to seek God and let Him direct you.

Sincerely,

Shalena D.I.V.A.

P.S. Remember everything has beauty including YOU. It just takes a true D.I.V.A. to see it!

 

© 2011, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.

60 comments on “To Remarry or not to Remarry”

  1. I really think there is hope for this couple. I also think it serves as an example to other ailing marriages and those who are separated by lettignthem know that although their problems seem unsurmountable now, they can be worked out most of the time. Divorce may not always be the best answer. Now y’all know how I feel about women asking men to marry them–that is a no-no in my book. She should bring it up, but let him do the asking. I say, get remarried. It may be better the second time around.

  2. You must first take time to address the issues that broke them up in the first place. While 1st marriages have a 50/50 chance of heading to divorce, 2nd marriages have 75% of heading to divorce & the success chances are slim to none when the same couple re-marry. This should not be taken lightly.

  3. Therefore I say, after premarital counseling & working on deeply rooted issues…once they both feel comfortable with each other again – then remarry. Happy endings are worth second chances.

  4. Shalena, shalena, shalena, I was agreeing with your response all the way up until you said she should not ask him. WTH! I thought you were more progressive than that ? J/k but seriously, I don’t see anything wrong with her asking him, afterall, its not the first proposal, which I think should hold some weight. Go ahead and remarry and relatives be damned !

  5. Has his family died, suddenly disappeared, or do they now approve of her? It seems this problem was enough to end the marriage the first time and yet, no mention the second time. If the family is no longer an issue, then they should reconsider. It’s why I’ve been taught & strongly believe that you don’t marry an individual – you marry a family. You should work out family issues beforehand. Why didn’t she meet (he take her to meet) the family beforehand? There were warning flags before they got married & unless the issues are dealt with, their second marriage will fail too.

  6. @Annie–I don’t know what happened to the family. I knwo that you marry a family, but I think he should be his own mana nd marry this woman if he loves her. They are not spring chickens any more. I knwo their are cultural differences, but why let tohers dictate your life to that extent?

  7. So I guess I shouldn’t be holding my breath waiting for you to pop the question then huh D.I.V.A.

  8. This man was not serious in the 1st place. How cld he listen to his relatives. They disaproved da marriage till the couple divorced. Where r they now and what is they say. Do they approve now? To honour God they jst have to re-marry that is if they love each other. But they have to go 4 a test we never know.

  9. It sounds lyk a tragik comedy,i av nt bin married b4 buh,i tink deres sumtin btwn dem dat is so special dat dey both dnt wnt 2shear wif any other prsn,i tink dey shld cos dey nw undastnd d wrngz nd ryt of bin married,..

    • @Karen–I agree wholeheartedly. I think they should resolve their issues befoehand and recognize that no one is perfect and take it one day at a time.

  10. I Love My Father God and I Also Believe in My Heart of Heart.That God Knows Who We Should Marry or Should Not. He will Show Us So Clear. And Also The Marring the Family. The word Says A Man Should Leave His Mother and Father. He and She Are… One. That’s All. I maybe Wrong and God Knows If Iam Please Forgive Me. But The Love This Man And Woman Has for each other. Has Nothing to Do With Family. What God Has Join Together. Let none take apart!

    • @MsDebbie – I think u r right. Though they should revisit the reason why they got married in the first place, and eliminate all other implications after the separation, they should remarry… they are not marrying the family, the are marry…ing into it & they should accept that though persons may be disappointed, they will fret & want to interfere, if they have a solid foundation built on faith trust and love, no force can separate them if they know in their heart of hearts they were meant to be together.

  11. oh yeah but 1 more thing 🙂 i think she should ask him and make sure he’s clear as to “WHAT are your intentions?” because if her heart falls for him again and he never proposes, wellllll that would just suck! he would be on a time limit in my head to man up, life is too short!

  12. asking any man “What are your intentions?” is not a proposal, it’s a way you protect your heart. Cause dudes will string you along, Saved Dudes! dudes allllll sold out for the LORD are only human too. So ladies please dont feel like you are… doing yourself a dis-service when you ask a man what are his intentions. Most of the time that’s what Father’s do to young men in their daughter’s lives. Most of our fathers are not there to do that so we have to take care of ourselves 🙂

  13. If he truly loved her he would have manned up & told his family its his decision not theirs who he chooses to marry! I feel bad for the lady because she was judged by people who most likely didn’t even know her!

  14. Yes So True. Also. People have To Think about Somthing When It Come To Family Really? Say to Say But Everyone in Your Family Is Going to Care For the Man Or Woman Their Son /Daughter is With. The Mother May Like The Person but Dad May Not. Just My Thought! How Many Broken Marriages then.Mmmmm.Lol

  15. @ shalena i believe everyone comes into ur life 4 a reason andmost just come to teach or learn or to show u something and here u r tryin to make a relationship with a person whos only suposed to be there for a week or month until they complete their mission and im tryna make them stay whick is toll on both of us

  16. I believe it depends on why the marriage dissolved in the first place. If it was because of adultery on either part, then I personally wouldn’t go back with an ex. Also, God said you can divorce because of sexual immorality. It also depends on what both people want to do. God hates divorce. He wants us to marry one person for life, til death do you part.

  17. Going Backwards was not an option : Kelly Price wrote a song / He’s my man not my Daddy in my case .God always do what’s Best & I’m Thankful for His Grace & Mercy I was able to move on to a New Life & Still have the same Husband now for 20 Years !!!

  18. Hell NO! There r several GOOD reasons y we broke up!!! No need to make the same mistake twice!!! They can still be looking great & turning on the charm but underneath not much has changed. U just miss that comfort zone u once shared before the wreck!

  19. It’s a 50/50 chance of things going either good or bad. Ppl come into our lives for a season, a reason & those ppl are not meant to be with us for the long term. Take the lesson & move on. Going back puts us in danger of repeating the same mistakes & the situation being worst than before. Not sayin it will happen to everyone but the possibility exists…

  20. What if? Covers a wide ground. Some times people peacefully grow apart but at the moment of break up hurt turns into anger. As for the aspect of immaturity, I’m looking at this in adult time unless some may be in their 20’s. After a certain point we’re all on a grown up thing! If one is acting immature at this point & time their may be some mental delays in progress! I just don’t believe in going back. Someone new & fresh is a good feeling! So “On to the next one” after a break to regroup.

  21. Hey Shalena did you see my comment to this question on one of the other pages you post on? I

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