Growing up as a little girl I never really dreamed of being married. I mean I thought about it when I watched movies like Cinderella. However, I wasn’t fixated on it. As I grew and matured it was only then that I desired to be married. I had two children by the time I was 23-years-old. Things didn’t work out with their fathers. It’s funny even while dating these two men I didn’t think of being married. After things didn’t work out with neither of them I found myself in a couple different relationships. For 9 years I was single, not in a committed relationship as I was very careful with whom I would bring around my children. It wasn’t until I turned about 28-years-old that I began thinking about becoming someone’s wife. Ironically this is when I rededicated my life back to Christ. During the 9 year period of my singleness I looked for love in all the wrong places, especially in men and material items. I can remember longing to be in a committed relationship that would ultimately result in marriage. I settled for less than what I was worth while searching. I allowed men to mistreat, manipulate, use and emotionally abuse me. Please note I said I “allowed.” Often times we as women place the blame on the men we deal with. We fail to take responsibility for our own actions. I truly believe that if I knew who I was and what I possessed then I would not have found myself in the same jacked up situation time after time. I settled because I didn’t know my worth and aptitude. I settled because I thought that I was okay with being called “a friend.” Most of all I fooled myself into thinking it was okay because after all I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship.
One particular relationship stands out. I was involved in an on-again off-again relationship with a gentleman I’ll refer to as Malcolm for 13 years. We met at a Biggie Smalls concert at the Spectrum. I was very much attracted to him. We began spending a lot of time together. Over the years no matter who we were dealing with we always dealt with one another because after all we were not in a committed relationship with each another. He had a couple of children during our relationship. He was disrespectful when it came to other woman. He knew or thought that I would always be there no matter what he did. At the time this was true because no matter what he did I was always there for him. I found myself doing things with and for him that I said I would never do in life. I didn’t know my worth, therefore; I found myself in situations that didn’t reflect who I truly was. I thought that I would never be able to stay away from Malcolm. Every single time I got enough courage up to say “no” he would say something slick and there I was again falling for it. I can recall one day I prayed and asked God to please help me get away from this man. Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. Be prepared to act on it. The very next week one of my girlfriends came by to visit. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of months. We talked for a while and as she was leaving she said: “Oh I knew it was something I had to tell you! Malcolm has a baby on the way.” My heart stopped. I was flabbergasted! I was sad, hurt, angry, and I felt so stupid! That evening I went out with Malcolm only to give him the opportunity to tell me. He never said a word about it. I eventually asked him about it at the end of the evening. “Yes, it’s true,” he said, “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to mess things up between us.” I could not believe what I heard. However, the relationship continued on for a few more years after that.
God showed me many times that Malcolm was not the man for me. I held on to him because our relationship was comfortable. I was okay with seeing him after 10:00 pm in the evening. I was okay with creeping when he wanted to be bothered with me. Funny thing is he didn’t want to leave me alone either. See he could count on me. I didn’t argue and fuss with him like his girlfriend did. I believe that he saw the God in me even when I didn’t or couldn’t see God in myself. Although Malcolm probably didn’t know it was God he saw in me, he knew it was something different about me that he didn’t want to let go of. That’s why its important for you to know whose you are and who you are.
In July of 2008 a gentleman from my past began to show an interest in me. Shortly after this guy took an interest in me, I knew that Malcolm and I had no future and was able to finally let him go. I wanted to give this gentleman a fair chance. I’ve known this gentleman for a little over 14 years. He and I worked together for about 5 years. We were always friends, more like brother and sister because we bickered a lot. Even after he left the place we worked at, we stayed in contact with one another. We would meet for lunch. I would see him here and there. We would talk about our relationships and I would ask him why he wasn’t married yet. He was such a good guy. He kept a decent job, he and his mother had a great relationship, and he had no children. He was a good catch for someone other than me. In July of 2008 I invited him to church, he obliged. I was very surprised to see him walking through the doors of the church. I spoke with him the very next week while he was away for business. Seemingly out of nowhere, I received a text from him and it said: “I want you to become Mrs. White”. I thought it was a joke, I thought he may have sent the text to the wrong person. But it wasn’t a joke. The text was sent to the right person, me. As I sat there many feelings went through my mind. I didn’t look at him in this way. We were friends and that was it. He wasn’t what I wanted in a man. I had this ideal man in my head and he didn’t fit the script. A couple of weeks went by and I said why not, why not give him a chance? I’ve given all the other knuckleheads a chance. What have I got to lose?
From the very beginning of our relationship I explained to him my stance on pre-marital sex: no sex before marriage. You see, after I got over Malcolm, I decided to save myself for the man God wanted me to be with. It was a process, but God kept me. We talked about our goals with the relationship. We both wanted to be married. I talked about how important my children were to me and how they played a vital role in the decisions I make in my life because ultimately they would be affected by these decisions. There were many other things we talked about that were very important to the growth of the relationship. We began to date publically. We dated publically because I didn’t want to place myself in any compromising situations that could lead to me compromising my beliefs. He agreed and was okay with it. He never once questioned me nor did he put me down for my beliefs. I was finally being treated like the woman I am. I knew that my worth was far more precious than rubies. I finally got a glimpse of my true worth. When a man knows your worth he respects you. He doesn’t misuse or abuse you. He opens doors for you. He respects your thoughts and views. He doesn’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do. He honors, supports, and cares kindly for you. When a man recognizes your worth he esteems anything you esteem including your children whether you have 1 or 5 children. When he accepts you, he accepts your child/children. It was very important that he accepted my children because we would not have had a future if he didn’t. That’s what you call an honorable man. One who sees you and your children as one.
When I recognized his worth I said I’m not letting this one go….I married him on March 13, 2010. Turns out he wasn’t what I wanted, he is what I need. Amongst the many things that set him apart from the others I dated was that he didn’t pressure me to compromise my beliefs and most importantly he accepts me for me and he loves my children as his own. I’ve been married two months now and he hasn’t changed, he still opens doors for me and he respects, honors and celebrates me. When you’re in a relationship like that you’re not afraid to reciprocate what is given to you. I honor and celebrate him today. Truly God is good and he knows exactly what we need. Sometimes I just stare at my husband in amazement…who would have known? God Knew!!!
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. (Proverbs 18:22)
Ladies stop looking for a man, allow him to find you.
Elaine Broaster-White is the mother of two wonderful, intelligent children and the wife of the most perfect husband, whose absolutely perfect for her. But most importantly she is a child of the King, the most High God, Jesus Christ.
© 2015, Shalena D.I.V.A. – Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.