If I had a dollar for all the times that I have been asked how in the world I fell in love with a married man, I’d be rich. If I had another dollar for all the women who have been in the same situation I’d be even richer. Infidelity is not uncommon. My story is not unique. I’ve just chosen to share. Many times these situations are kept hidden and some are never resolved.

The dynamics of cheating with another woman’s man are hard to explain to a person who clearly can see no justification in the matter. But my explanation is always the same. Sometimes people just marry the wrong person and then they are stuck with a partner who no longer gives them butterflies or makes them smile. Instead, they are locked in a partnership with someone who gets on their nerves or in many cases they can’t even stand anymore. When those elements are combined with a man looking for someone to nurture his spirit or stroke his ego, it is pretty easy to see how another woman can step in.

When a turbulent relationship I was in for several years had finally ended, the last thing I wanted to do was fall in love or be in love with anyone. To me men were the enemy and there was no way I could wrap my mind around going through the extreme hurt and devastation I’d recently experienced with the so- called “love of my life.”

Starting over and changing my environment seemed to be in the best interest of my children as well as stability for my altered mental state. For a long time I was an emotional wreck, crying all the time not focusing on the important things in life or even my future with my children. When I finally left the state, from the outside I seemed to finally be getting it together. I had a good job, a new place, great friends and a family who supported me and surrounded me with unconditional love. But even with all of the changes I still felt empty. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what it was that I was missing, but after many lonely nights I knew it was a “love of my own.”

“Love” was everywhere, when I looked around all of my girlfriends were falling in love taking the plunge, jumping the broom, walking down the aisle glowing and happy. Couples in the park held hands and they watched their children play, while I sat reading an Essence magazine on the park bench alone. You would think the laughter and smiles from my children would seemingly be enough considering what I’d gone through with the break up, but for some reason it wasn’t anymore. I wanted and needed someone to make me laugh and smile. Now, after all I’d been through, I was ready for someone to love me.

With that feeling growing inside of me every day, consuming my mind, it isn’t hard to understand how I took kindly to the attention that “her husband” gave to me. I can honestly say that I never set out to have an affair or become a “home wrecker” or the topic of his family’s dinner conversation. It just happened. Over time, it just happened. Looking from the outside in one might not be able to grasp the concept of creeping with another woman’s husband, but from the inside looking out, I can’t understand how one couldn’t sympathize with my plight and his.

It all started innocently. This may sound clichéd=, but really in the beginning it was simply innocent conversation and a few stolen glances here and there. A friendship was born between us and from my knowledge about his life at home that was something that he didn’t shared with his wife—ever. To him marriage had become more of a partnership rather than the loving union it was meant to be. He felt he’d married the wrong person and from what he told me, I could sympathize with him. The reality was as time went on he and I grew close. It was a feeling that was so extremely overwhelming that it couldn’t be denied. I thought about him constantly and he was always thinking about me, too. The situation was destined to get out of control and neither one of us had the will power to do anything to stop it. When her husband and I decided it was time to take the relationship to the next level it was over for everyone involved. Talk about “pending drama.” That phrase is putting it very lightly, we didn’t care what happened next and that reckless decision nearly ruined both of our lives.

Her husband and I wanted to be together and at that point we didn’t care who knew or who was hurt in the process. Our late night creeps became more frequent, our phone conversations were longer and there was no more using *69 to hide the phone number, it was just a matter of time before the one person whose life would be turned upside down found out and deep down inside I wanted her to know. I was in love with her husband and I was the woman he needed in his life…or so I thought.

When she did find out from the numerous phone calls on the cell phone bill, the late night creeps where we’d been “spotted” by the “paparazzi”, and her own womanly intuition she confronted me and I lied.  As bold as I was to be sleeping with her husband, I wasn’t bold enough to face her woman to woman with the truth. The lie didn’t hold up for too long, and she was suspicious of every move I made and every move he made. Soon, we were caught red handed “creeping” and it wasn’t pretty. This woman, who had been married and in love with this man for nearly ten years, had to witness him with another woman. The hurt I saw in her eyes was something I didn’t understand at the time, but now I do. While all I wanted was for him to do was gather his things and come home with me, she was praying and thinking about her family, her children, her future and the demise of her marriage. She was hurt and probably dying inside, but I didn’t care and obviously neither did he, because he moved in with me soon after. Another reckless decision on my part, I could have never imagined everything that would come with that move.

A woman who is married with children is not going to let her husband simply go and set up house with another woman. It just doesn’t work that way. He will always be tied to his home in some way. His children will always come first as they still need to be taken care of especially if he is a good father. The household still needs to be maintained and the wife is going to need some sort of closure. If she doesn’t get that, life will never have the happy ending the other woman pictures in her mind. Sometimes I was so frustrated at the constant back and forth between what I thought was “our” home and hers, it seemed it would be easier to just send him back home to her, but I didn’t want to lose the fight. I’d been fighting (including a few physical altercations with “her”) for him all this time it would all in vain, if he decided to go back home. And when the pressure became too much for the both of us that is exactly what he did. The way he explained it to me when he left me for her was that he missed his kids, translation:  he missed his family; he missed her, he wanted to go home.

Talk about devastation and embarrassment. How did this happen to me? How did I flaunt this married man around only to have him leave me exactly the way he found me–alone and needing love. The forbidden love wasn’t meant to be because it started off wrong, and although we may have started with innocent intentions it ended with ill intended motions and emotions. The love we shared may have felt real for the moment, but the love he had for his wife and children outweighed anything he could have felt for me. Sometimes we want things so badly, but they may not be right for us. As easily as he did wrong by her, he could have done wrong by me and probably did, even though he said I was “the perfect woman.” I didn’t see that then, but now I do. You can’t ask God to bless something that is obviously wrong… a sin. While I was praying for the Lord to keep him and me together, she was praying too and for all the right reasons.

It has taken me years to come to terms with what I did to this family and I still don’t think I have fully forgiven myself yet. There are a few positives that did come out of the situation. I was able to feel and understand what she felt when he left. I understood how she must have cried herself to sleep at night, I understood why she couldn’t function on the job, I understood why she almost lost her mind, because I felt it too when he left me. I wanted her to know how sorry I was for what I did to her family and after searching my heart I finally called her. I was surprised when she didn’t curse me out and decided to meet me so that we could talk. Speaking to her face to face was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I cried, I apologized, and she cried and accepted my apology. She forgave me for everything. I’ll never forget what she said to me. “Because I am a woman of God, I forgive you. I wish you the best in life.”  Only a woman of strong faith could do or say something like that to the woman who almost destroyed her family. I keep a little of that conversation with me still. It showed me that faith…faith is where it is at. With faith you can conquer all.

I learned many lessons through that ordeal, but the main one is that even though I am still searching for a “love of my own” I will wait and have faith that it shall be given to me when I am truly ready.

Angel Mechelle is the author of Another Woman’s Husband and has contributed short stories to the following Anthologies; Hood2Hood, Flirt, and Divas, Diamonds& Dollars. She currently resides in the DC area and is working on her second novel.

© 2011, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.

45 comments on “Her Husband, My Man by Angel Mechelle”

  1. I once dated a married man, too. I can totally relate to how things start innocently and quickly escalate. To be honest, Iknew he’d never leave his wife for me and I didn’t want him to. The crazy thinkg is we fell hard for each other for different reasons. i was that spark he was missing at home and he was the protector I always sought in a man. He spoiled me, and treated me like a princess. We also got wreckless, not blocking phone calls and leaving email acxcounts open, making it easy for his wife to put 2 and 2 together. She called me at my job and threatened me. She even called him on three way for him to tellme that he didn’t want to see me anymore and that he didn’t love me. To both of our surprise, he didn’t say either. He couldn’t tell her that he didn’t love me or that he wouldn’t see me again. She was crushed. Her silence was deafening. That must’ve crushed her spirit. It took years for me to let him go and leave that woman’s husband alone. I still think ofhim, but I never call. I stilllove him, too. But I’ve realized that in order for me to be blessed, I can’t mess with someone else’s husband. Thanks for sharing. Lsastly, I don’t know if I can apologize like you did either. That’s shows growth on your part.

  2. I agree that it took growth on your part to be able to admit that you were wrong and to seek forgiveness in person from your ex-man’s wife. That took more guts than actually being with and taking her man to begin with. Congratulations on admitting your wrongs, seeking forgiveness, and now waiting on God for your husband. It may not be easy or comfortable, but waiting on Him is what He requires of us. God does not bless mess (knowingly doing wrong). I have learned this the hard way too. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I was with you all the way….It is truely moving to hear someone speak my feelings without knowing my situation. I am not saddened to say she still has not found out after 18 years and the last 6 years of her entire marriage have been a lie. It is not right i know that in my head,,but my heart aches for him…my soul burns for him…I have been in love with this man since i was 15 years old…and i still make love to him like we just found each other…I ask him if he is happy..and he says he will never be….I believe him but he wont leave her or the kids…He is everything i want in a husband…except for the part where he cheats on her 3, 4. 5 times a week when he is in my bed.. I fight with myself …because im not a bad person…but this cant be good for anyone..or can it? How can she not know? I want her to know..but then i am scared of the outcomes…it could back fire….I dont have the will power to stop…but i dont know if i can pull the strength to go on…..but i am because i am in love with that man and i wont stop until…..well i just dont know until what…love the excerpt Angel…muah!

    • Collette, I feel for you. Please know that I always come from a place or love and encouragement so please don’t take anything I’m about to type in any different way. You ask him if he’s happy, but are you happy? Are you content? How does it feel to know that he’ll never be yours completely? He’s never leaving her or those kids. Have you ever stopped to wonder that YOU are making HIS marriage work? Sometimes men get into extramarital affairs to fulfill what is lacking at home–to supplement their relationships if you will. He never intends to leave his home, only to make things better and if making things better means finding gratification elsewhere, he’ll do it.

      This is a tough situation and I hope you come out unscathed. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman and can have a love of your own. I know it must be frigthening to think of not having him in your life, but you deserve to be happy, too.

      Just my two cents–no judgements.

    • Colette, it seems as though you are his snuggle bunny-maybe he’s not getting it at home and you allow him to have it when he wants it. Truth is, there is something besides the kids keeping him there. He has to love his wife. I was once told by a man that having sex is like going to the bathroom-you just gotta do it. Men are able to seperate feelings from sex. Angel story was a cautionary coming to reality tale. Women like you disgust me- find your own man. How can continue to be number 2. You will never have the house, the car, or the last name because that spot is already taken. I will pray that you find your way and realize that you are blocking your blessings by committing adultry.

  4. Colette,

    First, I applaud you for being honest about your feelings towards this man. And not only your feelings towards towards this man but your feelings towards the situtaion. My question is what was/is your goal in sharing your comment? Are you honestly torn? Do you honestly want to escape the situation?

    Many people deal with married men for different reasons. They range from sex, money, lust not love, and/or comfortability. Also, there are many underlying reasons why women seek or fall into relationship with married men. Colette, what drives your relationship with this man? When do you most see him? Do you date? Do you think your the only “other woman”?

    I’m asking these questions because if you really want to be done with this realtionship I challenge you to dig deep and think about these questions and begin to answer them.

    My goal is not to beat you down. I’m reminded of the story in the bible of the woman who was caught in the act of adultery. Jesus said to the accusers, he who is without sin cast the first stone. No one is sinless. There is no little sin or big sin. My goal is for you to see your true worth and know that you are worthy and deserve better.

    Be Blessed,
    EB White

  5. I would like to first tell you I appreciate your abilty to accept your wrong doing in the relationship. I once was married and my husband had an affair with someone I thought was a close family friend. Even though I knew he cheated before; there was never a mental connection which he created with this young lady. Cheating is never alright and when its done within a marriage everyone involved is hurt. The family I created with this man was destroyed and lives were ruined. But, I do understand how it is to be alone but at no time should one take on another woman’s husband or man. What one puts in one shall receive. We have to understand that we all will have our chance at marriage and who wants to wander were their husband is at night or on the weekend.

  6. I understand the complexities of being ‘the other woman.’ Although my boyfriend is separated I still sometimes fear that he’ll go back to his estranged wife. She was important enough for him to marry twice and to leave me for twice, despite the things she’s done to him: putting him out to be with another man, treating him like a roomate, treating him like a child, etc. To clarify, when we me he was separated. In my heart I feel like he’s my man, but in my head I know separated still means married. Great piece. Thought-provoking.

  7. There r many forms of cheating…u can cheat emotionally or physically. I don’t think either one is justified. We are adults so if something is wrong in the relationship u have two options 1. Let it go 2. Talk to the person about what’s wrong and try to fix it. If its a problem that can not be fixed and it hinders ur relationship as to where u have to step out…then u need to be honest with urself and the other person and let it go.

  8. In my opinion cheating cannot b justified..if its issues where u feel like ur bein smothered,not heard,etc,if u cared that much u would talk to that person about the problem. If its bcuz of sex then just tell the person they are not doing it for u and just break up. But cheating should never be an option.

  9. @Alicia– I talk about everything! Life is made up of everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I get tired of seeing folks getting stuck in situations like this which takes them off their game and away from pursuing their goals because they go through things alone. Talk about stuff. Learn from others and you’l be able to see that things aren’t as bad as you think and you can learn from others. I post what people ask me and I always keep the positive vibes flowing. Thanks for chiming in.

  10. There’s a reason for everything…Can we talk open & honestly and can it be resolved is the real question

  11. My advice to anyone in this situation would be to end it, no matter what the emotional cost. Doing so will free you for when the “right” (single, true love) one enters the picture. Send Married Man back home to work his problems out like an adult..If they then choose to end their union, do not allow yourself to be a causative factor. Once he has done his “emotional healing”, and made an end of things with his wife, if he STILL wants to pursue you, then by all means feel free to do so. Love yourself FIRST, so that you are able to recognize & sidestep the counterfeit love this person is offering.

  12. To all cheaters! ” go ‘s around, come’s around”! And to mistress ” what he doe’ s to her, he will do it to u to.” . R U REALLY THINK U THE ONLY ONE? ” keep on thinking! CHALLENGES in the relationships dnt hv anything to do with cheating. It is UR low selfesteem dude …. girl….who ever! ;))

  13. I will not judge anyone, some people may not know the situation someone could be in, yes it is wrong, but who is without sin cast the first stone, from what i know there is no big sin and little sin WE ALL have sinned and sin is sin, “so i will cast no stone.” some people get caught up and few get out of it!

  14. I commend her, she may have been wrong but through the experience it made her a better woman, to also reach out to the woman and apologize shows her growth, it has taken her to the next level of her life, God Bless Her. Thanks for sharing that story. “A Woman’s Courage” that what I think of her after reading her storyo

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