If I had a dollar for all the times that I have been asked how in the world I fell in love with a married man, I’d be rich. If I had another dollar for all the women who have been in the same situation I’d be even richer. Infidelity is not uncommon. My story is not unique. I’ve just chosen to share. Many times these situations are kept hidden and some are never resolved.
The dynamics of cheating with another woman’s man are hard to explain to a person who clearly can see no justification in the matter. But my explanation is always the same. Sometimes people just marry the wrong person and then they are stuck with a partner who no longer gives them butterflies or makes them smile. Instead, they are locked in a partnership with someone who gets on their nerves or in many cases they can’t even stand anymore. When those elements are combined with a man looking for someone to nurture his spirit or stroke his ego, it is pretty easy to see how another woman can step in.
When a turbulent relationship I was in for several years had finally ended, the last thing I wanted to do was fall in love or be in love with anyone. To me men were the enemy and there was no way I could wrap my mind around going through the extreme hurt and devastation I’d recently experienced with the so- called “love of my life.”
Starting over and changing my environment seemed to be in the best interest of my children as well as stability for my altered mental state. For a long time I was an emotional wreck, crying all the time not focusing on the important things in life or even my future with my children. When I finally left the state, from the outside I seemed to finally be getting it together. I had a good job, a new place, great friends and a family who supported me and surrounded me with unconditional love. But even with all of the changes I still felt empty. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what it was that I was missing, but after many lonely nights I knew it was a “love of my own.”
“Love” was everywhere, when I looked around all of my girlfriends were falling in love taking the plunge, jumping the broom, walking down the aisle glowing and happy. Couples in the park held hands and they watched their children play, while I sat reading an Essence magazine on the park bench alone. You would think the laughter and smiles from my children would seemingly be enough considering what I’d gone through with the break up, but for some reason it wasn’t anymore. I wanted and needed someone to make me laugh and smile. Now, after all I’d been through, I was ready for someone to love me.
With that feeling growing inside of me every day, consuming my mind, it isn’t hard to understand how I took kindly to the attention that “her husband” gave to me. I can honestly say that I never set out to have an affair or become a “home wrecker” or the topic of his family’s dinner conversation. It just happened. Over time, it just happened. Looking from the outside in one might not be able to grasp the concept of creeping with another woman’s husband, but from the inside looking out, I can’t understand how one couldn’t sympathize with my plight and his.
It all started innocently. This may sound clichéd=, but really in the beginning it was simply innocent conversation and a few stolen glances here and there. A friendship was born between us and from my knowledge about his life at home that was something that he didn’t shared with his wife—ever. To him marriage had become more of a partnership rather than the loving union it was meant to be. He felt he’d married the wrong person and from what he told me, I could sympathize with him. The reality was as time went on he and I grew close. It was a feeling that was so extremely overwhelming that it couldn’t be denied. I thought about him constantly and he was always thinking about me, too. The situation was destined to get out of control and neither one of us had the will power to do anything to stop it. When her husband and I decided it was time to take the relationship to the next level it was over for everyone involved. Talk about “pending drama.” That phrase is putting it very lightly, we didn’t care what happened next and that reckless decision nearly ruined both of our lives.
Her husband and I wanted to be together and at that point we didn’t care who knew or who was hurt in the process. Our late night creeps became more frequent, our phone conversations were longer and there was no more using *69 to hide the phone number, it was just a matter of time before the one person whose life would be turned upside down found out and deep down inside I wanted her to know. I was in love with her husband and I was the woman he needed in his life…or so I thought.
When she did find out from the numerous phone calls on the cell phone bill, the late night creeps where we’d been “spotted” by the “paparazzi”, and her own womanly intuition she confronted me and I lied. As bold as I was to be sleeping with her husband, I wasn’t bold enough to face her woman to woman with the truth. The lie didn’t hold up for too long, and she was suspicious of every move I made and every move he made. Soon, we were caught red handed “creeping” and it wasn’t pretty. This woman, who had been married and in love with this man for nearly ten years, had to witness him with another woman. The hurt I saw in her eyes was something I didn’t understand at the time, but now I do. While all I wanted was for him to do was gather his things and come home with me, she was praying and thinking about her family, her children, her future and the demise of her marriage. She was hurt and probably dying inside, but I didn’t care and obviously neither did he, because he moved in with me soon after. Another reckless decision on my part, I could have never imagined everything that would come with that move.
A woman who is married with children is not going to let her husband simply go and set up house with another woman. It just doesn’t work that way. He will always be tied to his home in some way. His children will always come first as they still need to be taken care of especially if he is a good father. The household still needs to be maintained and the wife is going to need some sort of closure. If she doesn’t get that, life will never have the happy ending the other woman pictures in her mind. Sometimes I was so frustrated at the constant back and forth between what I thought was “our” home and hers, it seemed it would be easier to just send him back home to her, but I didn’t want to lose the fight. I’d been fighting (including a few physical altercations with “her”) for him all this time it would all in vain, if he decided to go back home. And when the pressure became too much for the both of us that is exactly what he did. The way he explained it to me when he left me for her was that he missed his kids, translation: he missed his family; he missed her, he wanted to go home.
Talk about devastation and embarrassment. How did this happen to me? How did I flaunt this married man around only to have him leave me exactly the way he found me–alone and needing love. The forbidden love wasn’t meant to be because it started off wrong, and although we may have started with innocent intentions it ended with ill intended motions and emotions. The love we shared may have felt real for the moment, but the love he had for his wife and children outweighed anything he could have felt for me. Sometimes we want things so badly, but they may not be right for us. As easily as he did wrong by her, he could have done wrong by me and probably did, even though he said I was “the perfect woman.” I didn’t see that then, but now I do. You can’t ask God to bless something that is obviously wrong… a sin. While I was praying for the Lord to keep him and me together, she was praying too and for all the right reasons.
It has taken me years to come to terms with what I did to this family and I still don’t think I have fully forgiven myself yet. There are a few positives that did come out of the situation. I was able to feel and understand what she felt when he left. I understood how she must have cried herself to sleep at night, I understood why she couldn’t function on the job, I understood why she almost lost her mind, because I felt it too when he left me. I wanted her to know how sorry I was for what I did to her family and after searching my heart I finally called her. I was surprised when she didn’t curse me out and decided to meet me so that we could talk. Speaking to her face to face was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I cried, I apologized, and she cried and accepted my apology. She forgave me for everything. I’ll never forget what she said to me. “Because I am a woman of God, I forgive you. I wish you the best in life.” Only a woman of strong faith could do or say something like that to the woman who almost destroyed her family. I keep a little of that conversation with me still. It showed me that faith…faith is where it is at. With faith you can conquer all.
I learned many lessons through that ordeal, but the main one is that even though I am still searching for a “love of my own” I will wait and have faith that it shall be given to me when I am truly ready.
Angel Mechelle is the author of Another Woman’s Husband and has contributed short stories to the following Anthologies; Hood2Hood, Flirt, and Divas, Diamonds& Dollars. She currently resides in the DC area and is working on her second novel.
© 2011, Shalena D.I.V.A.- Author| Speaker| Life And Business Coach. All rights reserved.