As I lay here I think about all the heartache I have went through over the years. I am reminded of how I gave my love away freely and got nothing in return. As I run my hand across the pillow where the love of my life’s head once laid a tear sneaks out and trickles down my face. I journey back to the very first time we met time and time again. A smile always spreads across my lips, but then I wonder what went wrong. Have you ever been so in love with someone you can’t see straight? This man became my world. He made me laugh without a cause. He encourged me when I felt down and reminded me that my faith in God has brought me through so many different trials. As the years passed he ultimately became my everything and that is where I went wrong. I noticed I started losing a part of myself , the things I enjoyed really weren’t important to me anymore. He gave me more than the other guys in my past did because he was my friend, too. In all the love we shared there was also alot of hurt and pain. Over the years he turned into someone I didn’t really know and even though I loved him I needed to let go. It became apparent to me that the love we once had was doing more harm than good. I took my eyes off God and allowed the things I loved to take a backseat just to make him happy or not to cause an argument. I remember how we went to church together, prayed together , and then all of a sudden I was taking the kids to church by myself. My grandmother always told me if the head isn’t right then everything falls to the wayside and low and behold we fell and we fell hard. Our whole family was in chaos. I stayed sick, we stopped getting along, and the children started cutting up so bad I wanted to run away.
Now that I have found time to reflect I know it was because I took my eyes off God and put them on a man. Now by no means am I saying you are not to cater to your man or put him first. What I am saying is that in doing all that don’t forget God and what is important to you. I am enjoying the journey God has me on in finding me. The funny thing is I didn’t know I had lost myself.When we fall in love, we as women tend to love hard and we give our everything thinking that if we do then nothing will go wrong and they will love us forever, but in return we sometimes find that is not the case. The love turns to pain. Where we once felt like flying we feel like we are dying. And that feeling where your heart starts to race just by being in their presence feels like it’s flat lining. Well I have been there maybe once or twice, but it’s nothing worst than splitting up with that person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with and wonder if you have purpose.
What makes you happy? What do you want to contribute to the world? What are some of the things you like to do? Do you really like basketball or were you just transformed into a fan? Well I have asked myself these questions daily and I must say some of the answers are shocking. Take the time out and ask yourself personal questions to get to know you whether you’re in a relationship or not because maybe you’ll enjoy finding you as much as I am enjoying finding me!!!
Mikenda Early is a proud mother of three and currently resides in Nashville,TN. She works diligently with a non-profit organization named In Full Motion which prepares the youth in her community with the skills to achieve high ACT Scores so they may be able to go to college. She’s also pursuing a degree in Nursing at Nashville State while working on her first novel.
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