It’s May 13, 2010, the day after my husband’s birthday and a few days after Mothers Day. I’m sitting at my desk and I get a text that says, “Thanks for everything; I’m still geeking about yesterday’s dinner, cake and balloons.” The text was from my husband. I decided to cook dinner, get a strawberry short cake, and buy some balloons for his birthday. We celebrated his birthday as a family for the first time since we got married. I smiled as I thought about the many blessings God has given me, especially my husband. I love that man so much. It’s like God made him especially for me. Every now and then, I get butterflies when I think of him. I blush and doodle my new name in a notepad like a little school girl daydreaming about her new crush, except I’m not daydreaming. I have my Prince Charming. I can’t wait for us to have our first child together. As I sat at my desk trying to finish up my work before I grabbed a bite to eat, my stomach began to cramp up. I’m thinking no God, please no. All I kept thinking is not again, not again. While trying to finish my work all I kept saying is “You shall live and not die to declare the works of the Lord,” as I rubbed my tummy. You see, a week and a half before this my husband and I found out we were expecting. I quickly walked to the restroom to make sure I was okay. The walk to the restroom seemed like an eternity. When I got to the restroom I ran to the stall to find that I was bleeding, not spotting, but bleeding. I stood over the toilet as blood clots and tissue dropped in the toilet. I cried in the stall. I tried to remain positive. I even managed to recite a scripture: “Walk by faith and not by sight.” At that moment I tried to stay hopeful. With tears streaming down my face I got myself together, came out the stall and went to the sink to wash my face. As I washed my face, my co-worker who is also a friend walked in the bathroom. I said, “I’m bleeding.”
She was speechless; she just looked at me with her mouth opened. She tried to comfort me by saying things like: “but you don’t know for sure that you’re having a miscarriage.”
“No, but it looks that way,” I replied. When I got back to work I called the doctor’s office. They advised me to go directly to the emergency room. I told them that I couldn’t leave work. I called my husband who just got to work; he immediately left work to get me. I also told him that I could not leave work. The truth was I didn’t want to go to the hospital yet. I was not ready to face what could possibly be another miscarriage. I sat at my desk for four more hours while I cramped and bled. My mind raced. I went from being positive to being mad and angry… angry with God. “WHY, God?” I asked. “Why is this happening again? I’m finally doing things the way you would have me to do and this is what I get!”
To Be Continued….
Elaine Broaster-White is the mother of two wonderful, intelligent children and the wife of the most perfect husband, whose absolutely perfect for her. But most importantly she is a child of the King, the most High God, Jesus Christ.
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