The next few weeks were an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I was up and sometimes I was down in the dumps. I felt as though we were being punked not by Ashton Kushner, but by God. I went from blaming myself to blaming God. At times I would shut out the world around me and just daydream. I would say things like, I should have done this, if only I did that, why couldn’t I have and why me. These questions bombarded my thoughts constantly. I felt so alone. I could be in a room full of people and still felt lonely. I would lie in bed for days without eating and barely drinking. Everyone would ask if I was okay and I would say yes. But, what I really wanted to say was no, I am not okay and as a matter of fact I am sad, angry, disappointed and hopeless. I’m so used to being the “strong one”, not allowing things to affect me. I’m the person everyone shares their issues with. And because of that I shut everyone out, I felt like I had no one to really vent to. I continuously asked God if it was okay for me to go through emotions, to mourn, to lie in bed and not do anything. I felt guilty for wanting to go through the emotions; however, I was grieving. I looked at myself as being weak because I felt this way. Honestly, I wanted to feel all of these emotions.
While going through this billowing sea of emotions, I remembered something I learned in one of my Social Work classes about the five steps in the grieving process; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It bothered me to see women who were expecting. When I saw very small babies I would cry inside. Ironically, I saw things like that happen on television, but I never would’ve envisioned it being me longing for a child. I took for granted that I would be able to conceive and carry children, after all I had 2 children already. I can recall one day we received a card in the mail from a family member on my husband’s side. The card was warm and comforting. The day we received this card I must have been in the anger part of grieving. I said to my husband with a snippy voice, so I guess everyone knows! He just looked at me, but when he looked at me I knew I hit a nerve. Later that morning on my way to work I called him and asked if he was upset by the comment I made. He told me he was, but that he also understood. As the conversation continued I burst out crying and said, “I just want to forget about it. I want to move on with our lives and never talk about it again.” In the back of my mind I knew this was not the best way to handle it, but this is how I felt that day. With a calm voice he said, “I know, I know. But it won’t be that easy for either of us.” I then realized that it wasn’t just about me and my feelings. He was also grieving. We were grieving.
Through this event in my life my relationship with the Lord has grown. I realized that it’s okay to go through the emotions, but the keyword is “through.” While you’re going through don’t stay there. Truly God has a plan for your life. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. That tells me that my God is concerned about me. He’s concerned about what I’m dealing with and He wants me to come out victorious. Indeed I am victorious. In the last few weeks I have found myself thanking him in the process. No, I don’t understand, but God knows best. As a family our faith in God is stronger than before. We prayed together and asked God to help us through this and to help our children. Yes, we would like to have a child, however; we are going to enjoy the two that God has blessed us with. We are learning to count our blessings and be grateful for the little things. Also, we are truly learning how to trust the Lord and realize that all things are working together for our good. When God sees fit he’ll bless us with a baby, who knows we maybe expecting now…
Whatever it is that you’re dealing with know that God cares about you and sees what you’re going through. He does not wish any harm towards you. Through your situation you are becoming stronger. You may wonder how you are becoming stronger from your experience. You are gaining more patience, compassion, trust and character through the situation. Walk by faith and not by sight. Despite what it looks and feels like you are more than a conqueror and victorious.
Just in case you’re wondering what the five stages of grief are, I have listed them for you:
1-Denial-“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn’t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Elaine Broaster-White is the mother of two wonderful, intelligent children and the wife of the most perfect husband, whose absolutely perfect for her. She’s currently in school earning her degree in Social Work. She’s hoping to sue her degree to help others. But most importantly she is a child of the King, the most High God, Jesus Christ.
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